Crack whore no more...

Well, that's not quite accurate. I'm sure she's still a crack whore. She's just no longer our neighbour.

It has now been one year since the police first raided the house next door, which makes it nearly one year since they had any money to pay their mortgage and other bills. The house was foreclosed last fall (thank God) and our neighbourhood is now free of dumbass dealers and skanks.

To my knowledge, Dumb-as-dirt is still in jail where is sorry ass belongs. No doubt he's updating his Facebook status on a regular basis and keepin' it real, yo.

So, now that the nightmare has left the 'hood, I thought I'd leave a few words of advice for any kids out there aiming low in life and dreaming of becoming a drug dealer:

1. Don't set up shop in a quiet family neighbourhood. As with most illegal activity, you want to be inconspicuous. Having 50 cars whip in and out of your driveway every night is bound to be noticed by your neighbours.

2. Similar to #1, if you're going to party 24/7, don't live in a quiet family neighbourhood. And don't live in a townhouse with thin walls. Angry neighbours are generally the ones who call the cops, loser. Which brings us to...

3. Don't piss off your neighbours. You want to bring as little attention to yourself as possible. Try to blend in. Be decent. Don't come home at 3am and beep your freakin' car alarm. And yelling and swearing is not a way to befriend most neighbours.

4. Similar to #3, don't let your customers park in your neighbours' driveways. Guaranteed this will piss people off.

5. Don't call the cops to your house if you are illegally dealing drugs in your house. Seriously, Dumb-as-dirt did this. I swear I'm not making it up. A neighbour went over to tell him to stop dealing drugs and the idiot called the police! While he was dealing drugs in his kitchen and had a house full of stoned people!

6. Don't dress like Vanilla Ice unless you want to be treated like Vanilla Ice. Dumbass white guys dressed in hip hop gear screams "I'm a loser" and "I'm a user." And you look stupid in those clothes anyway. You ain't from the 'hood so don't even try to fake it, yo.

7. If the police take you down in the middle of the street, don't yell out the names of the people you're willing to rat out. If the police can hear those names, chances are everyone else on the street can hear them too. And all those neighbours now know you're not only a drug dealer, but you're ALSO a coward who'd snitch on anyone to save his ass. Oh, and crying while face down in the middle of the road doesn't really help the 'tough hip hop guy' image. Just sayin'.

8. Don't make pornos in your house. Again, this falls under "don't piss off your neighbours." No one wants to hear people having loud sex from your scummy house. This is yet another reason your ass is in jail, doofus.

9. After the first drug bust - move. This is a sign the police are on to you.

10. If you can't move right away, at least break up your routine. Don't keep buying drugs from the same supplier on the same day from the same place. Again, if they caught you once, they're likely to notice you're still at it. It's not really that hard to understand.

11. After the second drug bust - move.

12. After you get out of jail for the second bust, don't immediately hold a loud drug-filled party in the very house where you were previously busted (twice). Seems like obvious advice, but apparently it's not.

13. After your (ex)boyfriend lands in jail the 3rd time, it's probably best not to move in and keep dealing drugs with your new boyfriend, who also happens to be a convicted dealer. Please see previous notes about pissing off neighbours, being inconspicuous, police being on to you, etc.

14. Pay your electric bill. After all, once the police take away all your drugs, you'll want to have a cold beer on hand.

15. This piece of advice is for the parents in the neighbourhood, so please pay attention is this one is particularly important: DON'T LET YOUR CHILDREN TRICK OR TREAT AT THE DRUG DEALER'S HOUSE!!! Good Lord some people are stupid.

It was a horrible experience. Goodbye losers.

And to the new neighbour, I hope they sell giant vats of disinfectant at Costco 'cause you're gonna need it.